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User blog:Gorvar/Gorvar reviews: Quarantine.
imghttp://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bd/Quarantineposter.jpg[/img] They should’ve stayed fucking lost.... Hello everyone! Hope you had a good Christmas/Holidays/Kwanza/Hannukah/Xenu’s return and a awesome New Year! As you all know I’m a big zombie fan. The Walking Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Left 4 Dead, Highschool of the Dead, Dead Snow, Zoo of the Dead (That one is made up, but could still happen mind you.) and so on and so forth. I love Zombies because in most of those stories it’s mankind fighting a threat which they might survive if they all work together. No more wars amongst each other, strangers turning brothers, every pair of hands is needed, it’s us versus them. That’s why I like the Halo or Gears of War franchise so much, but that’s for another time. However for every Dawn of the Dead, you have a bad zombie flick. You can go obscure and call out Redneck Zombies from the late 70-ties, or go recent and call out the recent remake of Night of the Dead which waaas....pretty damn stupid. Or hell the House of the Dead series inspired by underrated director Uwe Boll who challenges anyone to a boxing match if you didn’t like his movies. Today’s film is called ‘Quarantine’ which sort of had a awesome premise. Mix the Blair Witch Project with a zombie movie and bam, instant drama, right? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McAeQiLmEYU&feature=related Quarantine is the American remake of the Spanish Horrorfilm called ‘Rec’ which is by FAR superior to this piece of shit. And here is the problem, there is barely one year apart between Rec (2007) and Quarantine (2008). The body your ripping from is still warm for god sake! Oh, while Rec actually did something awesome and introduced the supernatural like a demon at the end with the gates of Hell opening up, we get your average boring rage zombie virus. You know what, even 28 Days later is to good for this film, so I’ll just call this the T-virus! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7EluIgKqe4 Anyway the premise is this. We’re watching the tape of a found camera in a building where recently an ‘infestation’ took place. The entire building is deserted, which is total bullshit since it should be full with the walking dead, and there are signs of struggle, but the only thing the officials find is a video camera near a trail of blood. Don’t look exited, this movie sucks and what I descried to you was shown IN THE TRAILER. Yeh, the only good thing of this movie was the goddamn trailer! I hope you lot are strapped in, we’ll be in for one thrill ride into stupid! So we follow this reporter lady (played by Jennifer Carpenter whom you might recognise from White Chicks.....yes I saw White Chicks, I got a girlfriend) and her cameraman who follow a group of firemen on their nightshift. Now I hear you thinking. You: Oh, maybe we’ll see the beginnings of a zombie outbreak and the ensuing chaos that follows! Well I’m sorry my dear reader, your princess is in another fucking castle. The fire station get a 911 call from a apartment building where some old lady locked herself up. Right no idea why the Firemen need to be involved, but whatever. So the Firemen join up with the local police and enter the building where they try to see if the crazy cat lady is ok. Of course when they check up on her she spurts forward like she’s the god damn Flash and bites one of the policemen in the throat before throwing them off the . You see....I love the NYPD, you know why? The moment the crazy cat lady bite the guy they actually OPEN LETHAL FIRE on her. Yeh, they popped a cap in grandma’s ass! Awesome right? But as any other zombie virus the guy who gets bit starts to die and eventually returns as a zombie. And here is my problem with this movie. If you see a person who fell...pfff, about three floors down, snapped his neck and kneecaps, get back up with a groaning voice and stumbles towards you on his broken kneecaps would you- A: Go toward him like an idiot and risk being bitten to. B: Call out to him first and urge him to lay down and not risk any further injuries. C: Shout ‘ZOMBIE, GET HIM!’ and proceed to lay the smack down on the fucker for even thinking he can eat your flesh. Of course everyone in the room picked for option A and got infected. The shit really hits the fan when the CDC arrives and tries to threat the infected when, surprise namedrop, a Quarantine is lifted around the building. From the CDC guys we find out the virus doesn’t come from some government lab or god being pissed off at mankind, now it’s dogs. Yes I’m dead serious, the zombie virus comes from a little girl’s dog. So besides killing dogs, Rabies turn people into zombies, hey who knew? Well to be honest the dog was infected with the virus because his owner was infected, and when the dog was taken to the vet the CDC found out it was infected and traced the infection to the apartment. And our patient zero is a little girl who, I kid you not, immediately flips her shit when she gets discovered. I’m serious the moment one of them even GLANCED at her with suspicion she bites her mum and runs off like she’s on a sugar high! Of course like a pack of Sharks who taste blood in the water, another infected show up and starts wrecking the place apart. The CDC of course throw their hands in the air and say they’ll move back in the next day with heavy support to clean house, leaving the survivors to fend the night alone. Pop quiz, if your stuck in a building filled with the living dead which most logical option is the best? A: Lock yourself in a room, barricade the shit out of the door and wait for dawn. B: Keep running up and down the stairs in a futile attempt to find a way out, leaving the infected handcuffed to the rails so every time you try to pass she tries to bite you and thus infect you. C: Run outside and brave the bullets of the good ol’ USA Army on a mad dash to freedom? A bullet is better then a bite, right? If you choose option C, You sir/madame are a bad ass, if you picked option B however....you are a dumb ass! Three guesses what option the survivors did in this movie? If anything this so called video tape we’re watching should be a testament to zombie survival 101 titled ‘Things not to do in a zombie apocalypse!’ Also none of them know the basic common knowledge when fighting zombies...aim for the head! Ah, this movie...it’s so....stupid...NHAAAAAAARGH!!!! PILLS! NOOOOAAAAAA! img http://bayazidt.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/pill_bottle_and_pills1.jpg[/img] Oh thank god for these…….right…where were we. Oh, movie is almost over, awesome! God loves me after all! Right after the idiots get killed a bit more, the camera man and the reporter go up the attic for...pfff...a way out? I’m not sure why they’re heading up there. It’s sort of like those old horror movies where people end up separated from the main group because of bullshit reasons and end up killed, except these are supposed to be the main cast, the people who wish NOT to die. Anyway, as to fulfil the promise of the trailer, the cameraman gets killed by a super zombie who I swear reminds me of Boris Karloff and the reporter looking at the camera as darkness falls around her and gets dragged off into the darkness. So, that ends this movie. Is this film any good? Well....if you like horror movies, you can check it out and stay clear of any zombie tripes. However I must warn you, your watching a movie which scored 2nd in the box office to Beverly Hills Chihuahua, such is the power of Edward James Olmos. imghttp://cache.io9.com/assets/resources/2008/02/adamarama.jpg[/img] SO SAY WE ALL! 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